Walking the Tightrope of Love and Flow with Your Chosen Family

Dear reader, I ask you?

• Can you make and keep casual social arrangements without considering environmental constraints?

• Call a general 1800 mental health line and have your feelings around discrimination validated?

• Go to hospital without being (mis)gendered?

• Can you use a gendered space without question?

For many people within the intersection of LGBITQA+* and PWD* life is a continuous navigation between where we’re at, our changing needs and capacities, what context we’re in and what supports and resources we have.

As a visibly vibrant embodiment of Queerness and as a transgender, gender deviant with invisible disabilities there are very limited services that won’t eventually gender, police, address or direct me inappropriately, or at some point deny me my human rights and cause me harm.

Finding the right support

So how do I access the support and help I need when oftentimes, the same services that help a regular citizen harm me?

I call on my Queer chosen family, first and foremost. And I choose my service providers, very, very carefully.

Prior to accessing supports I ask myself:

• Who, or what service is going to accept this as my truth?
• Who will treat me with respect?
• Who will handle accepting these aspects of who I am?
• What is most effective?
• What is the safest course of action I can take to fulfill these tasks?

As an especially marginalised person I simply must identify and use alternative sources of support. It’s common for LGBITQA+ PWD to experience additional trials when accessing appropriate service providers, supports and in creating and maintaining caring, consistent connections.

We need more people, spaces, services and processes that are trauma informed, ethnic aware, gender literate, Queer friendly and inclusive of PWD.

Sometimes I feel like I am balancing on a tightrope with a shifting tension, an unstable balancing stick, and a fluctuating gaze location.

How do I thrive?

When I’ve a balance of supports and I am working with appropriate services I get into a flow. It’s then that I can be social, be a valuable friend, family member, advocate and support for our community.

I can then contribute back to the very community and people that helped me survive when things seemed impossible. It’s then at I’ve the emotional reserves, capacity, and space in my heart to be more loving, kind, empathetic, compassionate, engaged, and involved; this, in turn helps others. It’s this ongoing reciprocity and dynamic duty to, and of community that makes me shine harder – none of us are creating ourselves without the communal experience.

Long term connections, reflections, and belongings

Meaningful, long-term connections are especially important for most LGBITQA+ PWD as there’s often great variations in how we’ve presented over time. In having disabilities that can vastly change our competences and presentation (eg: the use of mobility aids) and in being transgender, and (gender) Queer we often don’t have the privilege of consistency. We also might change our names, how we present or identify and who we love, hence the importance of leaning into our chosen families.

When we lead with love we can open ours and others hearts.

I’m grateful to have people in my life I can all ‘Twunckles’*, ‘Knuckles’* and other Elders in the LGBITQA+ community that direct, guide, and support me. I also have chosen siblings, nibblings*, and an incredible adopted Mum and Daughter. These people have been my touchstone, they reflect all that I’ve been over my adult life.

If my life was a song, the service providers and systems would set the key, my Queer chosen family would be the consistent drone, and my biological family would be the core foundation of the music itself.

Everything else is always changing the chorus, bridges, and verses – yet as long as we can enjoy sharing our experiences together, I am dancing.

Danny – Academic, Advocate, Educator, Public Speaker, and Volunteer 

*LGBITQA+: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Intersex, Transgedner, Queer, Asexual plus
*PWD: People With Disability
*Kwunckle: A gender non-specific term I use for Queer elders who generally identify as Gay, or Queer men
*Twunckle: A gender non-specific take on the term ‘Aunty/Uncle’. A term I use to refer to folk who have known me since I was a ‘twink’
*Nibblings: A Gender Non-Specific term for the offspring of chosen siblings. And a replacement term for ‘nephews’ and ‘nieces’

For further information:

• Watch our Round Table Talk where Danny, together with storytellers Emily, Garth, and Dan share their experiences. 
• Read the ABC Article about gender neutral language
• Acon Here for Health
• Inclusive Language Guide
• LGBTIQA+ Disability Resource Hub